Urbanescence

And I have the entire week off

What will I be doing?

Apartment hunting, studying and completing paperwork for my school district

Woo! -__- haha

Ive never had a relationship with my mother. My grandmother raised me until I was in 2nd grade because my mother was “too busy with work”.  That seems to be a reoccurring theme in our relationship shared existence…..i dunno her life and what she goes through but I remember being overly consumed with the thought of being alone at a very young age. At the age of 3 I would candidly ask people, “what will happen if my mother goes away? I dont have a dad”. Shes never been emotionally expressive in regards to parenting, at times, I even question if she wanted to be a mother. Shes told me before that she didnt think she could have kids. She certainly has sacrificed and provided financially to help her family and there is not doubt in my mind that I wouldnt be where I am today if it werent for her……but I dont care how old you are…everyone longs to be loved by their mother…everyone…recently, something has been affecting her health…shes had bouts where she randomly just stays home from work days at a time and when she does go to work, when she gets home, she lays around all afternoon watching tv until going to bed. She could be facing a serious illness and I would never know..she always keeps things from me (like the true cause of my father’s death) and we have never communicated like family should…She seems apathetic, and has days where she comes at me as if I am suppose to wait on her hand and foot, which I do not mind at all…but there comes a point where her bashing becomes slightly misandristic..like she requires more from me because I am a man and she a woman, like we have some sort of equal partnership….like I am her husband rather than her son..thinking about it all scares me…to see someone who has never married…never formed any sorts of attachments…thinking of loss, life, death, suffering…ive tried so hard to fix things, to communicate, to actually have a relationship…I try all the time but always hit a wall..shes set in her ways and refuses to change anything to save our relationship….this really makes no sense and I know I am ranting but at this point…im hurting so much and I dont know any other way to get things off my chest (sad right? that I have to resort to pouring my life out on tumblr because I have no genuine friends..) At this point…its just too much….dealing with my own chronic health issues - the nausea, insomnia, vomiting, fearing the loss of my only parent…im only 21 and I feel like ive been aged to my 40s…im tired, hurting….wondering why I even keep going…

I never went on the cliche tropical/wild/frat/beach/party spring break during my entire 4 years of college…

MTV lied.

My life is lame.

Watching my high school 4 go over today was pure comedy!

..and I think the guys enjoyed it more than the actual practice

Definitely wont be making a habit out of that but I think they learned some valuable experience today, as did I…my first successful rescue mission in a launch!